Divine Decorum: Expert Advice for Parties and Weddings

Q: My mother is taking control over planning my wedding with my blessing, but there are just a few things that she isn’t addressing that I believe are really important. Now that I’ve relinquished control, how do I get some back without offending her and the decisions she’s already made?

-Naomi, Bartlett, IL

A: It can be difficult to go back into the planning process once you’ve said outright you want no part. But, as this is your wedding, I believe it is not out of the question at all to ask your mother if you could have more input in certain aspects of your special day. Set time aside for a heart to hear talk and explain that there are a few of the major decisions you would like a part of. If she’s already signed contracts or made decisions, work with her and the vendor and try to come to a middle ground. It’s more likely your mother will appreciate your input – after all, she’s been doing this whole thing without your involvement and she may be just as worried as you!

Q: It’s here: my 50th birthday. I just got wind of a surprise party that my significant other is throwing for me and honestly I’d rather crawl under my blanket and not show up. I really hate being the center of attention, and a surprise party is most definitely the worst! What can I do to get out of this?!

-James, Vernon Hills, IL

A: It can be difficult to be the center of attention for an entire night, especially if you’re on the shy side. I can completely understand how you may be hesitant to allow this party to take place. But, your significant other is probably very excited to do this special event for you. If you truly are that upset, I would recommend sitting him or her down and explaining that you know about the event and that you would much prefer something more low-key. Since it seems the invitations have already been sent out, you can at least have some prep time and a partner that understands your concerns.

Q: I have been having an argument about party etiquette with my sister for many years now. She believes it is completely acceptable to bring your own food to an event where the host is cooking a select menu. I believe it is a huge breach of etiquette and you should eat what’s on your plate. What are your thoughts?

-Mary, Elk Grove Village, IL

A: I hate to tell you this, but you’re both right. Depending on the situation, whether it is plated or buffet, or whether you have food allergies or similar, this is definitely a huge grey area! As a host myself, I prefer for a partygoer to notify me if they have any type of menu request or food allergy to better accommodate them. If it’s something unique such as Kosher, I would recommend allowing them to bring their own food, prepared correctly based on their religious beliefs. Now, if you’re a picky eater, I say suck it up! This person just offered to cook you a delicious meal and you can’t show up with something “better,” that’s like bringing wine to a wine tasting party because you know you won’t like the kind offered.